10 simple rules of dating my daughter
Once upon a time, callow young men almost always met their dates' dads.
That means, all I want to hear coming out of your mouth as you pick her up is the word “early”.Must agree that life is a compilation of elusive little truths that, when piled up like sugar cubes, form the foundation on which everything else in the universe rests. When watching "Wheel of Fortune," must be able to shout outlandish, nonsensical answers that aren't even close. Earlier this year, the 300-pound beagle signed up for Obamacare. He seems to see the vet on a weekly basis now: for fleas, anxiety, warts, depression, insomnia, gout, gallstones, sex addiction, itching, incontinence, low blood sugar, hot flashes and the occasional but aesthetically... Earlier this year, the 300-pound beagle signed up for Obamacare. He seems to see the vet on a weekly basis now: for fleas, anxiety, warts, depression, insomnia, gout, gallstones, sex addiction, itching, incontinence, low blood sugar, hot flashes and the occasional but aesthetically... Must be able to absorb $100,000 in daughter's college debt without holding a grudge or feeling like you saved half of Europe from starvation. Must be willing to advise me on various harebrained business ventures, such as my latest: Selling hemp hats to disgruntled hipsters. Must know how to tell a joke: A bear walked into a bar ... In most cases, it was like shaking hands with a smiling canned ham. The more impressive the girl, the worse her father. I mean, aren't parents the most indecipherable of all human beings?If your date was Goldilocks, her dad looked like Shrek, big, green and warty. "Of course, that's not exactly what her father meant.Often, you have to swoosh them out with a broom, while they hiss at you the entire time. Must be fluent in the classics: "The Big Lebowski," "Chinatown," "Moonstruck," "Caddyshack" and Donald Sutherland's masterwork, "Kelly's Heroes."Rule 8.
Still, as my lovely older daughter points out, "New York guys can be tamed and eventually make excellent pets."Look, she likes this fellow — that's the most important thing. Plus, he has a very cool mustache, which conveys both wisdom and an enlightened sense of personal style. So before I left, I asked Justin to sign a short legal document that I am in the process of getting notarized. Must enjoy mocking stuff: skinny jeans, bespoke suits, Microsoft, political dynasties, Prius drivers, hipsters, aging hippies, political extremists, Portland, the NRA, Robin Thicke, the New Yorker, LA Weekly and (especially) that guy who used to play Doogie Howser and now somehow hosts all the major awards shows. Must see some truth to the provocative observation: "In the world of sports, Muhammad Ali changed everything."Rule 10.
Here's what I presented to him: "10 Simple Rules for Dating My Millennial Daughter": Rule 1. Must agree that light beer is fine, but decaf coffee is "merely a cup of lies."MORE FROM THE MIDDLE AGES: Fall makes all of us see routine things with fresh eyes, even coffee-flavored onions Our columnist has cargo shorts and a bullhorn: Let the revolution begin!
Must always root for the underdog, prefer baseball to football, jazz to rap, fall to spring, Fitzgerald to Faulkner, pubs to opera, Montana to Marino, tailgate parties to weddings, dogs to cats, Mel Brooks to Albert Brooks, Matisse to Michelangelo, Bartles to Jaymes. By the second date, you must have it memorized.)Rule 2.
Also, I have a very large yard with an over-sized shovel. My daughter is an extension of me and if you underestimate me than you are definitely underestimating her.
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Places where there is dancing or alcoholic beverages, joy or holding hands, all of these are also prohibited.